She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
