I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
