Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
