Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize