I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
