You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
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Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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