I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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