I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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