i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
