Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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