I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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