Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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