It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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