so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My balls are so social today.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
