put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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