Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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