My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
