I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Randomize
