Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
