when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
