I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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