sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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