I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
