I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we're making bets on your personal life
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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