im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
