I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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