I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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