just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
