literally had 100 drinks last night.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
