Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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