We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
whose ass print is on the piano?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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