Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
