i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
