He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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