Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
