just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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