my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
