all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
These tits shall not be calmed
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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