we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
