last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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