Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
