weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
