i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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