He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
