Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
