I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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