Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
