Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This baby is an asshole
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
