Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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