He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
pray to the hookup gods
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