Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
