No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
