Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
