No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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