My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
