I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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