WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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