The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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