If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
